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of Landover Baptist Church (The Most Powerful Church in America www.landoverbaptist.org ) |
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An Interview by Jack Nichols
Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Of course you don't believe. You made that clear in an interview with my Sister-in-Christ Taffy. http://sistertaffy.com/GayTodayInterview.htm Your eyes have been blinded by the evil sin of homosexurality that affects most liberals. You have chosen that evil lifestyle, in spite of what the liberal so-called "medical" and "mental health" so-called "professionals" say. We True Christians® all know that, even though you homos comprise only 1% of the population, your many millions of sodomites temporarily stopped controlling the media, the banking system and the professional world in the early 1970s so you could intimidate the whole American Psychiatric Association into giving in to the evil lie that you were normal humans. Well, every study from Doctor Paul Cameron and other True Christian Creation Scientists have produced tons of web sites and church handouts, carefully referencing Leviticus, that prove you wrong, mister! It don't matter what the secular so-called "professionals" say, if a True Christian says different! Everybody knows Christians don't lie! Here is a case in point: http://www.linda.net/gaystudy.html And anyway, if you were actually "born that way," you need to get BORN AGAIN ANOTHER WAY! See? All you need is available from conservative religious fundamentalists. No, not the Mooslims! The Good ones! The American ones! American Conservative religious Christian fundamentalists are all about love, not hate, like the silly Mooslims. We "love the sinner and hate the sin." Hallelujah! But just between you and me, I've heard our Godly President, George W. Bush, talk about how wonderful the Mooslim religion is so much I'm afraid he might be on the verge of wrapping an undershirt around his head and converting. Jack Nichols: I recall a rumor written by Jerry Falwell's one-time ghostographer, Mel White: It says that Jerry has quite a gluttonous vice, namely the repetitive eating of cup cakes stored in the fridge on his Israeli jet. It seems he's acquired at least two or more chins since that rumor was loosed, and so I tend to believe ghost White has reported correctly. But I've never been satisfied knowing only about this one solitary vice of Jerry's. Do you know any dirt about other vices he's got that I might have missed? Did he perform fellatio on Tinky Winky? I haven't been able to verify that one. Mrs. Judy O'Christian: You liberals try to find any excuse at all to persecute True Christians! When Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson rightly blamed the attacks of the Mooslim conservative religious fundamentalists on the homos, feminazis.... (well, rather than go through the list, why don't we just say "everyone who's not a Republican Christian"), the liberal media jumped all over the poor men. Thankfully, now that some time has passed, True Christians across the land are echoing dear Jerry's statements. When will you liberals admit it's all your fault that the Mooslim conservative religious fundamentalists attacked us?
Mrs. O'Christian at the site of a liberal church. "They refused
to hand out our True Christian voter guides ," she told GayToday,
"and they ignored our pre-punched ballots. We had an imprecatory
prayer-a-thon against them, and God answered."
It's clear to all True Christians (Republicans) that the only way to fight this heathen menace is to require "In God We Trust" posters and the Ten Commandments in every public building and mandate prayer in public schools, as several brave pastors--I mean school principals--have done in the past few days. The crazed conservative religious fundamentalist Mooslims hate us because, as any True Christian can tell you, the USA is a Christian nation. Now, more than ever, we need to write that into law. And we must suppress the evil unions and give tax breaks to big corporations! Any student Creation Scientist Economist can see that! Jack Nichols: I know that Southern Baptists are forever being arrested for solicitation in mens' rest rooms. They're usually married, but that doesn't stop them from expressing those desires they secretly harbor. Certainly we all know that Jerry Falwell's always thinking about homosexuals because he's always talking about us. Does that mean anything? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Them so-called "Baptists," if they actually exist, are "sleepers" planted by the radical militant homosexural sodomites, called upon to make us look bad. Just look what they did to poor ex-gay spokesman John Paulk last year--the poor man only went into that D.C. homo bar to use the restroom, and only stayed there an hour, and only had a couple of Coca Colas while attempting fellowship to spread the love of Jesus through chatting up other married men. How was he supposed to know they had nekkid boys dancing on the bar upstairs? I bet he didn't stay up there more than 45 minutes anyway, and had his eyes closed in prayer so tightly he didn't see anything anyway. But you never heard that in the liberal media!
Mrs. Judy O'Christian: My dear departed husband changed his name when he was a young man so that he could infiltrate the godless Cathylicks that invaded this Godly nation from Ireland. He was able to move among their kind without raising suspicion. (True Christians have a long history of covert operations. Even today, we throw "rock concerts" and "parties" to attract the children of heathens, Jews and Cathylicks. Once we get 'em in a secured area, the lights go up and the preaching begins! Glory!) As for my own story, I was born again just a few years after I was born the first time. I'm 78 years old (I know I don't look it) and most of those years were spent in the arms of Jesus. My family's been instrumental to the centuries-old tradition of Landover Baptist. If you look through our history pages you'll see pictures of my ancestors. Jack Nichols: Why is it so difficult for Southern Baptists to say the name of their religion properly? The proper word is Baptist, but they mispronounce it "Babdist". You'd think they'd be able to correctly pronounce something as important as the name of their own religion. But. my god, these Babdists can't say "important" either! They say "impordant" instead! Is it too much to ask that Republicans with presidential aspirations-- politicians like Libby Dole and Phil Gramm-learn that its "impordant" to say "important?" Mrs. Judy O'Christian: You liberals! Always trying to find some way to lie about and insult True Christians, when we show nothing but love and truth when we speak about you evil, diseased, perverted, disgusting, liberal, satan-worshipping, child-molesting, filthy homosexurals! You evil so-called "people" always take our statements out of context! We only have love for you. We just hate everything you are. Why is it so hard for you to understand that basic fact? Come to Jesus! Jesus loves you unconditionally, as long as you do exactly what He says! Jack Nichols: We're often told that in the 19th century the Southern Baptists broke away from the rest of the original Baptist believers because the southerners wanted to keep their slaves. Do Southern Baptists still long for those old slavery days? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Yet more liberal lies! The Southern Baptist Convention apologized for supporting slavery YEARS ago! Many, many years ago. Long time ago. Jack Nichols: When was that?
Sister Judy prepares to send her pickled
watermelon rinds to our boys overseas
Mrs. Judy O'Christian: 1995. Anyway, all we True Christian conservative religious fundamentalists are asking for is a return to the good old days, the days when folks said howdy on the street, had town meeting, when nobody had to lock their doors at night, and when them that wasn't Christians knew enough to keep their mouths shut about it and kept to themselves in "their" part of town. Oh, for those days! One ministry, which I fully support, is using an early version of "reality TV" to show how life really was back then. http://www.barneyfife.com They're doing Bible study using episodes of Andy Griffith to show how the world really was before "multiculturalism" messed everything up. Praise God for that man! And Matlock, too! We are currently working on Bible study using Gomer Pyle as a model. What a Godly man--he dated that Luanne gal for YEARS without making a move on her! My Sister-in-Christ Betty Bowers gets similar results with her B.A.S.H. Ex-Gay Ministry. http://bettybowers.com/bash.html Not only do them formerly promiscuous homos come out of being Sodomites, they become very respectful heterosexuals by never once "trying anything" on thyeir wives. They'd always rather go shopping. Now, that is the kind of man all Baptist ladies pray to Jesus to be married to -- and that's just a small sample of the power of the Lord! Jack Nichols: An actual study conducted at Purdue University found that Baptists are the fattest Americans. Is this because they stop off for fries at Burger King after church? What do you think is the reason? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: There you go again! You liberals know we have the TRUTH, so you have to find some other way to attack us, based on something totally unrelated to the Christian Love® we spread around. I think you're just jealous. Jealousy is a sin! SINNER! HOMO! Of course, gluttony is a sin, as is divorce (Jesus spoke specifically against it), working or shopping on Sunday (the damn liberals took down the "blue laws" we used to have in this nation), but let's face it, the most serious and dangerous sin in this nation today is homosexuality and abortion! The fact that Jesus said nothing specifically against either doesn't matter, because we know what He meant! He was obviously so angry and disgusted about homosexurals it rendered him speechless! Well, fortunately Baptists have a stronger stomach than Jesus when it comes to finding the sins of others. He meant that it's OK for True Christians to divorce if they want to, but homosexurals are beyond redemption. Jack Nichols: What are the topmost blessings about being a Babdist? Is it that you don't have to question yourself because you already know it all? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." I love that bumper sticker! And we do know it all, you unsaved heathen. Everything anyone needs to know is contained in the Holy KJV-1611 Bible. There is no need for so-called "science" books, so-called "law" books, so-called "medical" books--the Bible is the only book you need! You don't even need road maps! It's all in the Bible. Being a Baptist is wonderful because we know that no matter what, Jesus loves us more than anyone else. It's like being in an exclusive club, where we can look down on everyone else because they're not part of our Godly group. We know that one day soon we're all going to float up into the sky and have the opportunity to sit with Jesus in Heaven and look down at all the evil unsaved Cathylicks, Prezbooterians, Mooslims, Hindoos, Boodists, demoncrats and all other liberals and laugh at them as they writhe in the flames of Hell! "Can I have some of your Diet Pepsi?" they'll ask. "Sure, you poor thing," I'll say, as I reach down and hold my ice-cold Diet Pepsi just out of their reach, snatching it away at the last minute. I tell you, there's nothing more rewarding than knowing I'll have the best seats in the hereafter! And for those crazy Mooslims, who thought they were going to get 72 virgins in Heaven, I'll do a little dance on the edge of my cloud, just to show them what they missed by having the wrong religion! Then I'll throw some pork chops at them, hitting them in the head with forbidden pig flesh and send them a few levels lower. I can't wait! Jack Nichols: Some so-called Christians dislike being called fundamentalists. They say it makes them sound like the Taliban or something. Are Southern Baptists fundamentalists? What are the fundamentals? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: The liberal media is trying to discredit True Christian conservative religious fundamentalists. Rest assured, we are nothing like the Mooslim conservative religious fundamentalists. True, we hate the same things, and we demand that everyone follow our version of a strict, literal interpretation of our holy texts, but we have nothing in common. You will not catch me wearing a beekeeper's outfit like them crazy Mooslim women. And our men can shave, and we ladies can shave our legs, in spite of what the Bible says. And we don't overpromise; we offer mansions in heaven, but not virgins. We don't tolerate sex in God's country here on Earth, and we ain't about to put up with it in heaven. Jack Nichols: I have a few questions about what the Southern Baptist Convention members are supposed to believe. First, do you really believe that your God condones a physical location called Hell where vengeance is eternal, where all tortures are extreme, where cruelty is king? Does the Babdist God send anybody there who hasn't swallowed St. Paul's bizarre atonement theory or the one-times-three-is-one-God, perhaps? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: I am trying real hard to keep a civil tone with you. Hell is a real place. Sinners go there to burn for all eternity. We're not exactly sure how flesh can burn for eternity, but the best we can figure is that a person goes there, gets all burned up, then their flesh regenerates so it can be burned again. God does not want to see anyone go to hell. That's why He created it, so that all who don't believe will go there to be tortured forever. But He doesn't want anyone to go there, even though He tells us in the Bible that most people will go there, and that He is capable of deceiving people into not believing. But He wants everyone to go to Heaven. And He has planned for everything and knows what will happen before it happens. That's why it's so important that sinners turn from their evil ways and get on the path to Heaven, even though God may have planned for them to spend eternity in Hell. See? It's really simple. Ever heard of Pascal's wager? http://www.probe.org/docs/pascal.html Pascal decided that it's safer to believe in Jesus and have nothing happen to his soul in case God doesn't exist than to be a liberal and live life as he saw fit in case God does exist and sends him to Hell. Now that's conviction! And the only betting True Christians allow. Jack Nichols: If a man lives happily with his wife and children, is responsible and loving to all, taking good care of both his and his wife's aging parents and being besides a specialist who saves lives and a philanthropist who gives billions to charity-BUT wait! If he simply doesn't actually believe in his heart that Jesus died on a cross for his sins and that they were thus erased upon his acceptance of this particular theory, what will the Babdist God do with him after he dies? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Nobody gets into heaven by "good works." Period. And thank goodness for that! True Christians have biblical support for opposing liberal feel-good programs aimed at feeding the so-called "poor" (the Heritage Institute demonstrated that there are no poor in America, since most of the so-called "poor" have aquired color TV sets through credit cards, etc.). True Christians oppose feel-good liberal programs to "help" inner-city minority children--their "parents" should not have had unmarried/immoral sex in the first place, so it's their own fault! True Christians know that AIDS is God's punishment, so all those afflicted, whether in the U.S. or overseas, are suffering because they brought it upon themselves through immoral acts, so why should we try to find a cure when all they had to do was become just like us? True Christians know it's their own fault for not listening to us. And even though AIDS is predominantly spread by heterosexual conduct overseas, True Christians continue to vilify homosexurals because it's a big fundraising tool. Mass murderer Ted Bundy accepted Christ, so he is in heaven. Pickaxe murderer Carla Faye Tucker, who, despite pleas from Pat Robertson, was executed by our Godly President, is in heaven too. It don't matter what you do on Earth, as long as you get saved a minute or two before dying, you'll go to heaven. What a great system! See, even if a homosexural believes in Jesus, he's still bound for hell, based on his actions, even though actions don't guarantee a place in heaven. True Christians know that Mother Theresa is in hell because she worshipped Mary and the Pope in Rome, instead of praying directly to Jesus. Homosexurals who practice that sin all their lives will probably burn in hell even if they repent on their deathbeds. It's that serious! Worse than murder!
Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Well, I will let God's words stand as testimony to His great love for all humanity. I don't question his methods, which are nearly as good as the CIA's for extracting testimony. I'd suggest that you get on your knees right this minute before He sends angels trained in all His techniques to question you mercilessly. The Baptist message is this: you WILL be on your knees for Jesus one day, whether you want to be or not. Thankfully, the Godly John Ashcroft is following God's rules, as usual. He doesn't pour his Crisco anointing oil on liberals or animals. Jack Nichols: You know what Southern Baptists believe better than anybody else does. What do you people really think of folks capable of loving members of their own gender? When you're alone with each other in Sunday school, I mean. Do your kids get to know that Jesus encouraged men to kiss each other? Then why don't they do it too? It appears to me that kissing is the Christian thing to do. Isn't it? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: There you go again, taking the Bible out of context! David said to Jonathan, "thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women." No one but a liberal homosexural seeking to distort the truth could find anything remotely homoerotic in that statement! Jack Nichols: You are such a commanding personality, I must say. But I can't imagine you sentencing and then torturing your very worst enemy for all eternity, as this Monster God you worship threatens to do. Would you? Mrs. Judy O'Christian: I'll have you know this country has RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. That means that everyone is free to worship Jesus through any biblically-approved, Republican-approved means they choose. And God is NOT a "monster," He LOVES us. And as long as we love Him back and concede to His demands, he won't hurt us.Why can't you crazy liberals accept that fact? |
Mrs. Judy O'Christian on a mission for Jesus,
doing undercover work at a nightclub 
Mrs. Judy O'Christian: Concerned her 'godly' president may wrap an undershirt around his head and convert to 'Mooslim' 
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