I am out everywhere, except at work.

Being in the medical field, I work among physicians, mostly male and mostly homophobic. If I were out to them, Iâ??m sure Iâ??d get fired or at least, not offered advancement. I feel confined to be less than honest at work, yet I donâ??t want to jeopardize my job security. Does this mean Iâ??m ashamed of being gay? â??Pink Collared in Akron, OH:

Dear Pink Collared,

The personal decision of coming out includes who and where you tell. To me, it makes total sense for you not be out at work, if you worry about your job advancement and/or security.

But even so, I do think we gay people suffer whenever weâ??re in situations where we cannot be out. Every day you walk into that office, you must edit who you. Others can name who theyâ??re dating or living with. They can gleefully recount what kinds of fun they had over the weekend. They can cite the movies, books, or performers they most enjoy. But if you cannot freely share that kind of information, youâ??re sending yourself the message that you donâ??t belong in your workplace environment.

Growing up as GLBTs, we are repeatedly taught that the world is run byâ??and forâ?? heterosexuals. If we know whatâ??s good for usâ??if we want to be allowed to sit at the Straight Tableâ??we must keep our true selves hidden and our mouths shut.

All of us spend most of our waking hours at work. If that daily environment feels oppressive and cramped, trying to fit in can cause stress in ways that you wonâ??t even recognize on a conscious level. So for your psychological well-being, itâ??s best to be out if at all possible. Are you positive that youâ??d experience problems on the job, or do you just assume it?

Many responsible straight people do take exception to slurs directed against any minorities, gays included. So objecting to â??that kind of talkâ? wonâ??t automatically out you.

But if you know for sure that your orientation would put you at risk, then by all means, keep to yourself. But rather than sending yourself a message of shame, reverse the process: Doesnâ??t ignorant homophobia reflect poorly on those others on the job? Yes, theyâ??re entitled to talk about their partners, boyfriends or girlfriends and what they did on the weekend. And so are you, when youâ??re among others who enjoy what you have to tell them.

Whatever you decide to do at work, counter their negative messages with your own positive ones.

Short of coming out and revealing yourself become sympathetically aware of any prejudice and negativity in your workplace and do something about itâ??starting with yourself. Perhaps that means finding someone whoâ??s safe to talk withâ??either eat work or after hoursâ??so that youâ??re no longer isolating yourself.

Or maybeâ??again, short of coming outâ??you discuss GLBT issues with your co-workers, making it clear to them that at the very least, youâ??re an fair-minded ally of respect and dignity.

For example, use the television coverage of Miss Californiaâ??s discriminatory statement that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. You could use that as a spring board to talk at work about a better statement she could have made that would not have been so prejudice such as commenting about the difference between religious marriage or civil unions. Topical things about GLBTs in the news is always a great way to weave gay positive talk into work without necessarily outing yourself.

Even better, on your own time you can volunteer for a local organization that helps GLBTs feel safe in their workplace. A great read is Brian McNaughtâ??s book, Gay Issues in the Workplace. He also has DVDâ??s which you can watch and get ideas on how to protect your self-esteem at work.

And have you considered finding another job where you can be out and open? Thatâ??s hardly as drastic as it sounds. I know many gays and lesbians for whom pretending, editing, lying and remaining closeted became too muchâ??and went on to switch jobs, gladly and successfully! So choose one of the many ways to turn your pink collar proudly inside out, for all to see!

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a therapist who specializes in gay affirmative psychotherapy, relationship therapy, sexual addiction and sexual abuse. He provides training to straight clinicians around the country and is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives. He is an adjunct professor at Wayne State University, teaching gay and lesbian studeies. His website is joekort.com.
Written by Joe Kort