Coming Out All Year Long

Coming out, being true to yourself and others, is the defining moment in the lives of lesbians, gay males, bisexual and transgendered people. It is a process, not an event; and it continues to a greater or lesser extent throughout our lives. Some of us will die without ever admitting our sexual or gender identity to anyone, not even to ourselves. Others will declare themselves to millions on live television. Most of us fall somewhere in between.

Though The Guide is best-known for its fluffy travel articles, in politics it is to the left of most GLBT activists. Most activists do not share The Guide’s view that sexual freedom is the hallmark of gay liberation. They would rather work for more practical causes, such as same-sex marriage, gay adoption, service in the military or the right to show the video “We Are Family” in public schools. Unfortunately, most people still see us as sexual outlaws; and believe that our sex is singularly reprehensible. Two years after the United States Supreme Court abolished sodomy laws in Lawrence v. Texas, most Americans continue to condemn homosexual sex; and theirs is a view shared by law enforcement officials.

Coming out is such an important part of our lives that a special day, National Coming Out Day (NCOD), was created in 1988 to publicize, celebrate and encourage that pivotal process. October 11, the anniversary of the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, was chosen to be National Coming Out Day in order to continue the goals of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered rights that were the theme of that March. On NCOD, we “take the next step” in the coming out process; whether it be telling our parents, writing a letter to our Representative or appearing on a TV talk show.

“Talk About It” is the theme of NCOD 2005, according to the Human Rights Campaign Foundation: “Every single time we talk about our lives as GLBT Americans, we are another step closer to equality,” says HRC President Joe Solmonese. “Each word helps build bridges that change hearts and minds - and eventually our laws.” But coming out, like GLBT pride, happens all year long. We could argue that there is no need to have a special day for coming out, especially the same month as our traditional ”coming out day,” Halloween. Long before we marched on Washington, our people have been expressing ourselves on October 31; and indeed in many places Halloween was the only night of the year in which cross-dressing was allowed by law. Still, since having a holiday brings attention to its message, creating a special day for coming out makes sense.

Coming out has changed a lot since I came out in the mid-1970's. That was the age of the “closet clusters;” a time when members of most “gay” groups (only lesbians called themselves lesbians back then; and bisexual and transgendered people did not exist) were listed by their first names and last initials. Still, I thought that coming out would be a relatively painless process. That was before my then-partner and I appeared on the now-defunct Miami News; ironically the day after the voters repealed Miami-Dade County’s “gay rights” ordinance (June 7, 1977). My unexpected outing was not welcomed by the management of the store where I was working at that time, especially by the closet cases who had risen through the ranks by keeping their personal lives private. Though my ideals took a beating that day, I still believe that coming out is better than living a lie.

Still, like Bill Clinton, many of us came to the conclusion that lying about sex is a necessary evil; especially when sexual honesty often meant the loss of family, friends, economic opportunity and political advancement. Even today there are still institutions like the Boy Scouts, the Catholic Church and the U.S. military where asking and telling can have dire consequences. A top athlete, movie star, politician or corporate CEO still thinks twice before coming out, even when the results are not as dismal as he or she might think. In all fairness, many of them benefit from a tacit agreement that allows them to be whatever they want to be on their free time as long as they keep their sexuality to themselves during working hours, and agree to take a beard or a merkin to company functions. Places like Fire Island have flourished for decades as safety valves where closeted professionals and business people, away from their families and obligations, could be themselves.

The decade that followed the Stonewall Riots (1969-79) is thought by many (in retrospect) to be the Golden Age of Homosexuality. It was only a golden age for upwardly-mobile, urban white men who could, if they observed the social contract (see above), enjoy promiscuous sex, drugs and disco in gay oases (like Fire Island) and ghetto institutions. This “Golden Age” ended when AIDS forced many gay men out of the closet, often against their will. That brother, cousin, uncle or co-worker who never married and who did not seem to have a life began to get progressively sick and die as the result of an illness that was, in the collective mind of America, associated with homosexuality. At least, the AIDS epidemic forced many to accept the fact that there were more of us than they realized.

But this is the 21st Century; and now GLBT people are coming out in greater numbers than ever before. Though knowing a LesBiGay or Trans person does not necessarily make people more accepting of sexual or gender diversity; at least it makes them realize that we are people, too; however misguided, sick or sinful they might think we are. Still, we have a long way to go before we achieve, in Andrew Tobias’s words, the “ho-hum-ization” of homosexuality. This does not mean that we should stop trying to educate our hetero relatives, friends, co-workers and society as a whole; for this is the only way that things can change. The best way to educate is to come out; using our selves and our lives as examples of what being G, L, B or T really is. Take the lessons of National Coming Out Day, no matter what day of the year this is, and make them work the rest of your life.