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www.LandoverBaptist.Org
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By Jack Nichols
WWW.LandoverBaptist.org , according to a mainstream reporter friend of mine, is too real to be funny. The web site evokes images that hit too close, like blockbusters, to what he sees going on in his own Southern Baptist neighborhood.
The home page of the Landover Baptist site offers a comical array of articles
One's idea of comedy--especially when religion is involved—depends on one's point of view, of course. But Southern Baptists lend themselves to being particularly comical, and the Landover Baptist site has taken care to emphasize just those things that make one giggle most. There's Christian capitalism in action, for example: "We believe that when a person first gets saved, the first thing they should do is buy a suit and a tie. If the individual is a female, then a dress not raised over an inch above the knee is acceptable. Clothing is perhaps the most important thing about being a Christian. If one is not properly clothed and fully representative of what God would want them to appear like.. well then, that person is probably not saved. Our motto is "get saved, get to a Christian Clothing store, and get fitted for the kingdom."
"Getting teased is part of growing up. It's no big deal. Just tell yourself, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a .44 Magnum will tear that bully a new asshole!'" Boys and girls ask, "Which sidearm is right for me?" Landover Baptist is hardly minority-friendly, especially when it comes to Catholics. A rather ingenious explanation for the origins of the word "Catholic" is provided as front page news: "Cathos," to put it delicately, refers to the male genitalia. "Licos" means to place the tongue upon and lick greedily. Thus, the Catholic "Church" was named after the very deviance so many of its members publicly condemn yet privately practice. My favorite part of www.LandoverBaptist.org is the "Church Mail Bag" wherein surprised Baptists themselves—often thinking that Landover may be for real—express their dismay. One reader laments:
The hot topics of the day don't escape the wit of Landover Baptist's writers
"I'm ashamed to admit that I read through some of your articles. I wish I had never even come in contact with your website, and I pray that not many others will. I sincerely hope that anyone unsure of Christianity will not read your articles and let themselves be turned away from God. The true God of Christianity is not the God of Landover. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be assured that Landover does NOT represent the majority of serious and sincere Christians, Baptist or otherwise. Please accept my apologies on behalf of all Christians. We are sorry the Christian religion has been defiled by this propoganda and, if this church is real, please understand that it has NOTHING to do with God, Baptists, or Christianity. I hope and pray that Landover is not a real church, that this site is just a hoax. If it is real, then I have no doubt that it is not sanctioned by God, Jesus, or any true believer. Please believe that our God is not the God conveyed by this website." Just in case you doubt the existence of Landover Baptist, the following description of its assets is meant to convince that there is, indeed, such a mega-Church, one which calls itself the "The Largest, Most Powerful Assembly of Worthwhile People Ever to Exist. Unsaved Not Welcome." "We are a Bible believing, Fundamentalist, Independent Baptist Church. We are 125,000 members strong. Our Church Campus is located in Freehold, Iowa and rests on 35 acres of some of the most beautiful country you'd ever care to set your eyes upon. Our church holds 23 paid pastors, 124 paid deacons, 343 full time staff members, LCA (Landover Christian Academy), LCU (Landover Christian University), 12 fully equipped chapels, Four 2,000 seat sanctuaries, Two 5,000 seat main sanctuaries, the world's largest Christian Mall, a Christian Amusement Park (Landover Bible Theme Park and Red Sea World), A PGA 18 Hole Golf Course, 3 Fitness Centers, 4 Olympic sized swimming pools, Landover Village, Landover Towers, Landover Retirement Community, Center For 2 Churches On Every City Block Foundation, Leviticus Landing (A Gated Christian Community), Exodus Acres (Silver Gated Community), 27 Developments, Landover All Purpose Multi-Temple, Spa and Resort Center, Fire Department, 100,000 seat amphitheater, 12 Television studios, 2 radio stations, A Christian Circus Camp, Retreat Center for Republican Candidates, 3 Corporate Christian Office Parks, hot springs, 8 cemeteries, and 243 fully certified Christian police officers."
There are even Landover Baptist tee-shirts for sale, with a variety of savvy slogans. My favorite, which I
intend to order, says: "Get Your Ass to Church— www.LandoverBaptist.org —"Where the Worthwhile
Worship." Good advice. Be sure to pass it on to your friends.
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