I am a thirty-one year old man living with AIDS, and an alcoholic. I got sober in August of 1992. A year ago I met a man with whom I fell in love. I've had a number of relationships since coming out at the age of 19, and I've loved every man I've been involved with, but this time is really different I really love this man with every fiber of my being-heart and soul-all the way. He feels the same way about me. He is negative and he said he didn't care that I am positive. We became lovers after establishing a friendship first. He, too, is an alcoholic, and we both went through some rough times because of his relapses. I forgave him for the nasty things he said and did when he was using. He spent the summer in a rehab and was doing well with recovery after he came home. Then, on November 17th, my lover's addiction overtook him, and he physically attacked me twice, killed my pet angelfish, and nearly killed me. Fortunately, I was able to get out of the house, and hobbled down the street to a pay phone and called 911. Danny, you always say that a relationship based on love can survive anything and I really want to believe this because despite everything I still love this man like no other. Our relationship is based on love, so what you said gives me hope. Part of me says maybe in time our relationship can be rebuilt, but another part of me feels that it's insane to even desire this. I just don't know. Before all of this I was without a viral load, and my T-Cell count was climbing, but now I'm drinking again, and even though I know it must be messing up my body, I just don't care anymore. I've never felt so bad before in my life. Can a relationship based on love, survive anything?

Dear One Step at a Time,

Sometimes loving a person means loving them enough to let them go. Sometimes too, love gets mixed up with a lot of other feelings, like fear, and dependence. Only you know what is at the heart of your feelings for this man, but what is clear to me is that you are currently in an abusive relationship, and until you confront the personal issues that led you into such a dangerous situation, you can't even begin to contemplate building a relationship based on love. In other words, you can't help each other until you're able to help yourselves. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy. It's my sincere hope that you'll re-discover the self-love, courage and faith you once had to stay sober, healthy and alive. It may be that your lover will also begin to heal himself, but that is completely up to him. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to love yourself, and to teach by example that the only relationship truly based on love, is one in which both partners love themselves as much as they love each other.

Previous Health features from the GayToday Archive: New & Potent Anti-HIV 'Spermicide' Made by Hughes Scientists New Drug-Resistant AIDS Mutation Appears AIDS 1998: An Outlook Home HIV Tests A Cheap Strategy: Downsizing AIDS AIDS Cocktail Therapy Goes Under the Microscope Related Sites: The Body: An HIV/AIDS Resource GayToday does not endorse related sites.

I'm a thirty three year old male. When I found out I was positive in 1992 I thought my life was over. Thank God for my family. They have been by me every step of the way. I've been on every medication I can think of, but today I found out that my viral load is undetectable. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I still don't know what the future holds but I'll tell you one thing I know…I won't give up because there is hope for me and a lot of other positive people out there. There are positive people who think they can't meet anybody but that's not true. I've met someone nine years young than I am and we are celebrating our fourth anniversary December 31st. He is negative, and very supportive. I never thought I could ever be happy like this again but I was wrong. The reason I am writing is to let other readers know that there is hope and not to give up because I almost did and now look where I am.

Dear Take a Bow,

Thank you for your kind words and your message of hope and encouragement. You and your family are living proof that with love, hope, courage, and understanding, all things are possible. Congratulations on your undetectable viral load, your fourth anniversary and your remarkably positive perspective! The only advice I have for you is to keep loving, keep hoping, and keep sharing! You are an inspiration to us all, and I applaud you.

Each month I read and enjoy your column. What expert, sensible advice you give! Your answer to "Alive and Well" was a great example. The sage advice you dispensed, if taken to the next level, leads to another question. Paxil and the "triple combo" have taken quite a toll on my sex drive. I'm healthier than ever and the depression and mood swings are long gone. Every day is a miracle indeed. But the strong desire for a good, furry man remains. "Pickens are slim" out here in the hinterlands. Oh, if only Tulsa, the nearest city, was a bit more like the West Village! But alas, it's not. What seems obvious is to "increase the odds or decrease the standards." But I like living here despite the lack of available men. Gee Danny…what's a guy to do?

Dear Come on Get Happy,

Thank you so much for your kind words and congratulations on your improved health. It sounds from your letter as if you have a great deal to be thankful for, not the least of which is your ability to manage your disease while still managing to maintain a positive perspective. This is no small accomplishment and you should be very proud of that. It also sounds to me as if you enjoy your life in the hinterlands very much, despite the perceived lack of good furry men available. I'm sure I don't need to tell you…this isn't a perfect world. We all have to give a little to get a little, (no pun intended.) We in the positive community have had to accept a lot- - that we are going to have to find a way to enjoy our lives with HIV, that we are going to have to endure some troublesome drug side effects, and that finding love can seem, at times, to be a little frightening and elusive. But just as you've found the courage and the optimism to cope with your disease and your drug regimen, I am confident that you will be able to draw on those very same internal resources to deal with your dating dilemma. My advice is to focus on the love that is in your life right now, rather than the love that isn't. Continue to experience each day as a miracle, whether or not you have found a partner. And although I can't say for sure, it's my guess that one of these days when you least expect it, you'll turn around and find the furry man of your dreams standing right there in the heart of Texas.

I'm a native of San Francisco and grew up on drugs basically, and since the early days I've had much experience with HIV/AIDS. In the early 90's I spent a lot of time at Walden House. That was the first time I got to see people "living" with AIDS, being positive and planning for a life, or at least a quality of life. The spirit of the people at Walden House really made an impression on me…so much so that when I tested positive soon thereafter, I already knew that I could face this disease, and that not only could I still have a life, but that I deserved one. This is not to say that I'm 100% all the time. I'm still dealing with other issues. My addiction brought me to prison, but I still hold on to those lessons I learned all those years ago. I'm still fighting my virus and to have a future beyond prison. I credit my ability to remain optimistic to those people at Walden House who had such a big impact on my life. I wanted to thank them for helping me to be ok with me.

Dear Really Living,

Thank you for sharing your story, and the spirit of Walden House with us. Now the courage and faith that you are demonstrating can inspire others, just as your friends at Walden House inspired you. Keep on fighting, keep on sharing and I'm certain that you will achieve the future that you hope for and that you deserve.