I am 34 years old and finally over the fear that has kept me in the closet till about the age of 32 and for the most part doing very well. I am active in my community and do all I can to help people spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

I also do all that I can to educate others and myself about HIV and other issues. Here, however is my problem. At least once a week I wake up screaming in fear. Not because I am afraid of HIV infection. But more because I'm not and it's a risk I'm willing to take and that is not normal thinking.

What wakes me up is a dream filled with nameless faceless gay men who ask where I was when they needed me the most. Cowering in a closet like a coward, that's where.

I feel so guilty for being negative that it haunts my dreams and my waking hours as well. I feel somehow that I let my brothers down. I know this is survival guilt but I don't know how to stop it. I'm afraid it could lead me to do something stupid to quell the guilt. Can you help?

Dear Sweeter Dreams,

Congratulations on coming out. Embracing your sexual preference in a world filled with anti-gay violence is not an act of cowardice, but courage. Some people are never able to face that hurdle and it sounds as if in 2 short years you've sailed over it with a great deal of ease so give yourself some credit.

You had what it takes to come out so I'll bet you have the strength to stay negative despite your dreams. Dreams can be misleading. Your dream could very well be an indication of something completely unrelated to AIDS. That's not to say survivor's guilt isn't a reality.

My negative friends tell me that being involved in low risk sexual activity and continually testing negative can make you feel as though you have undeservingly beat the odds.

Continually "lucking out" can lead to riskier behavior, and in a compassionate person, a kind of a reversed, "Why me"? There are support groups for negative people looking to stay that way. Many online Gay Communities have "Positive Living" areas where negative guys can chat about problems specific to them. Maybe you should try one.

Whenever anyone suggests that they may do something to become infected however, I suggest seeking professional help. We need you to stay healthy and active in the community.

Those of us with AIDS are still fighting the battle of our lives. We need people like you to help educate others and to continue to fight for funding, drug access and development, and of course a cure. Now that's a dream we all can live with.

Living with HIV since 1985 has given me a lot of time to look at others and myself. How we live, what we do to help each other. Although the rate has seemed to decline recently, I have also seen many people die.

Many of my poz friends don't take any medication. Myself included. The only drugs we take, are alcohol and recreational. For me alcohol is a problem. It's more important than medication. It's easier to take.

Life is important to me and I would like to break the bar scene barrier to better living and health. What programs are available to HIV patients to get back on the right track to better health? I have tried alcohol rehab and it didn't work.

Now, when I try to stop on my own I immediately go into withdrawal. Suggestions?

Dear Get On
The Right Track,

Albert Einstein once said, "In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity". I suggest that you reread your letter. Your willingness to admit to your problem and your call for help leads me to believe that this may be your opportunity to get yourself into a twelve step program.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't limit your self to the gay community. There is help for alcoholism everywhere. Living with AIDS is exhausting and escapes like alcohol and recreational drugs are tempting and prevalent within the gay community.

The fact of the matter is they are temporary escapes that put a strain on your already compromised immune system. Try life without the escapes. Go on. Take that first step.