I just turned 30 and am entering the eighth year of a monogamous relationship. My partner is brilliant and beautiful, and hasn't had sex with me in 5 years. I'm HIV positive - healthy and I'm told attractive. He says that when he feels he's the most important person in my life--we'll make love. After 5 years of attempting to meet his emotional needs--I remain the unwilling celibate.

I have requested no holding, massages, etc... because the sexual stress I feel when we're close is overwhelming and I'm tired of the rejection. His disinterest in sex seems to give him more power in the relationship. There is sexual abuse in his past, so I'm careful as I choose words --so as not to scare him.

I'm the kind of person who prefers to ask for what 100% of what I need. I've often thought of suggesting an open relationship, however, I don't want sex with anyone else--just him. If we tried an open relationship, I fear I'd being going out the back door when the front door is more direct and honest. Any support you offer would be of great help.

Dear More than Able,

It's time to take action and make some of your own demands. It is not unreasonable to expect sex in an eight-year relationship. I'm not comfortable with the fact that you are waiting around while he acquires power through a disinterest in sex. Five years is a long "time requirement" for trust and a heck of a long time to go without sex.

I doubt an open relationship is the answer. Your lover may have a fear of infection, but I think he needs to get professional help for his past abuse and you need to take some time to rebuild your self-esteem. You deserve 100% out of a relationship. Sounds to me like front or back door, you gotta get out of this stuffy room and get a breath of fresh air.

We just found out that my partner of 9 years was diagnosed with Aids. Right after that, he spent a month in the hospital battling meningitis and he is recuperating. I'm just sick and worried about the time that when he goes into the hospital for something and he won't be coming home. I cry all the time, not in front of him, but it is taking a lot out of me and I don't know what to do.

I can't watch sad movies or read sad books because I start to cry, --and I love to read. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will die if I don't have him with me. His family is not very close to him and my family is not close to me either. It's just some straight friends and myself.

We go to a meeting at our local AIDS foundation, but they don't seem to help much. I have never gone through this before so I don't know what to do. When he was sick I brought him home and nursed him back to health. Now at least he weighs 166 pounds, but he used to weigh 220.

So if you can give me some encouragement I would really appreciate it. I am new to this so I don't know what to do. It never crossed my mind to run away so don't worry about that. Thanks.

Dear You're A Natural,

On behalf of all of us with AIDS, thank you for taking the time to care, you are nothing short of a hero. Your lover is blessed to have you and needs you in great physical and mental health. Caregiving is difficult, and it's healthy to cry once in a while but don't make yourself sick. Get one of your other friends to help out for a day a week and take a mental health day.

I suggest you find, or start, a support group for negative partners or caregivers where you can go and openly discuss your fears with people who are in a similar situation. I'll bet you will walk away feeling a lot less lonely and with some coping skills from others who have been there. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. You and your friend are in my prayers, and now you are in the prayers of my readers too.