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Dear Danny,
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Signed, Afraid to Love |
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Disclosure is a personal decision and, as you learned in your last relationship, everyone's comfort and safety is ultimately their own responsibility. I can tell you, though, that one of the most important lessons I've learned from having AIDS is the value of facing my fears. So, even though it's scary, I always try to disclose, even before the first date. I may be risking rejection, but not from anybody I'm going to want to spend any significant time with. Some people do run from me out of fear, but others, like you yourself did with your ex-boyfriend, take the time to step outside of themselves, and love me, or not, for who I am as a person, and not because of my status. From what you say in your letter, you sound to me like someone who would be most comfortable disclosing right away. While I know that this can be very frightening at the beginning, take heart. Since my second "coming out" as a positive person, my relationships have become much more about quality than quantity. While I may share my life with fewer people overall these days, I definitely share more deeply and more meaningfully. I believe that if we face our fears, follow our hearts, and are honest with ourselves and others, love will always find a way.
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| Love, Danny | ||
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Dear Danny, About a year ago, my domestic partner of some fifteen years, who is a physician with a large HIV practice, began to garner tattoos, hang out at the gym, cruise the strip shirtless in his expensive sports car and date boys half his age. So it may not surprise you that some six months ago my partner moved out and now resides with a new partner, a gay therapist, who I had contacted for help and who then, as a friend of mine puts it, didn't hesitate to help himself. Since that time, my former partner has canceled our joint credit cards, refused to pay our joint debts, and canceled my health insurance. Now, he is attempting to drive me from my home. I have AIDS and am on disability. My family and friends, many of whom are HIV+, are encouraging me to go public with my story, believing that the gay community, and the HIV+ community in particular has a right to this information. What do you think?
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Signed, A Reluctant Warrior |
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I am sorry to learn of your misfortune, and while I have only heard one side of this story, from what you say it sounds as you have faced more than your share of difficulty and hardship as a consequence of this relationship, and my heart goes out to you. My advice to you, though, is to move on. It doesn't sound to me as if your circumstances will be improved at all by dragging your personal battle into a public arena. If you have viable legal remedies to pursue regarding your business dealings with your former partner, than you might want to consider them, but I wouldn't suggest prolonging this fight simply for the sake of the battle. Right now, you need to focus on you. Channel your energy in a positive direction, and establish a foundation for yourself, both financially and emotionally, that is not dependent upon your ex, or anyone else, but grounded firmly in an unshakable sense of self -love. Ultimately, only you are responsible for taking care of you, and an increased sense of independence and self-reliance is a victory well worth the fight.
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| Love, Danny | ||
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Dear Danny, I was diagnosed in 1994, and I'm writing to tell you that despite some real ups and downs I am still here. I had a bad start with AZT and later liquid Norvir, but now I've got a twice daily regimen down pat and my viral load is below 50. My primary doc has informed me that I can plan on dying of old age! Many of us are wondering what to do with our second lease on life. Well, I come from a long line of stubborn New Englanders, and one of the things that I intend to do is to remind everybody that the AIDS crisis is not over, and that HIV+ people and people with AIDS are still here and still in need of help and services. I even joined the board of my local agency and told them, in no uncertain terms, that I was here to be a pain in their collective ass. Clients are one reason that the agency exists and I have vowed not to let them forget about us.
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Signed, Cantankerous in Camden |
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Congratulations on your improved health and congratulations too, on your stubborn New England streak. The world needs more cantankerous souls like yourself, to keep us from getting complacent, and forgetting that the war against AIDS isn't over. With all of the new therapies available to some of us these days, it's very tempting to want to just declare a victory and call off the fight. But with new resistant strains of HIV, and rising infection rates, and so many people all over the world who aren't able to benefit from available treatments, it's more important than ever to keep up the fight We all owe a debt of gratitude to squeaky wheels like yourself, who make sure that the battle against AIDS keeps getting the grease, until there's a cure.
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| Love, Danny | ||
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Dear Danny, I read your column every month, and look forward to it, as I do Dear Abby and Ann Landers on a daily basis. I felt compelled to add my input regarding the feelings expressed by Striking Out In Cinci. I have felt just as frightened about disclosing my status when I'm out trying to meet someone new, and have experienced the very same rejection many times over. For a while, I didn't want to go out anymore either, for fear of seeing another person walk away from me after I was honest with them. I have found, however, that if I attend functions that attract other POZ people, I do not get treated the same way. There are bars and other "hangouts" that are frequented by a POZ majority and I wanted to suggest to Striking Out in Cinci that maybe he should try to find someplace like this in his area. He sounds like a real gem, and if I were in the neighborhood, I'd be happy to meet him. Thank you, Danny, for your witty and honest responses to those who write in.
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Signed, A POZ Brother in Dallas |
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Thank you for your kind words, and for your suggestions and vote of confidence for Striking Out in Cinci. One of the gifts that AIDS has brought to my life is the strong sense of support that can exist in the HIV+ community. As much as seronegative people can love and sympathize, nobody really understands what it's like to be positive like another positive person, and as your letter points out it can be really comforting to be among friends who share our unique experiences and with whom our fears of disclosure are unnecessary. There's nothing quite like being with family, but just as I said to Striking Out in Cinci, it's important to be able to reach out to all areas of our lives, to connect with people based on who they are as people, and not their serostatus, and to always remember that love can come from anywhere. Thank you for writing, thank you for sharing, thank you for loving.
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| Love, Danny | ||
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Danny Gale is a freelance writer and a person with AIDS living in New York City. You can write to Danny: Danny Gale, P.O. Box 20274, New York, NY 10025, or E-mail him: Luvdanny@aol.com. |
© 1997-99 BEI