I recently discovered that I am HIV+. My partner has been poz for quite some time, but I was not aware I was infected, or "not infected" entering our relationship. My problem is finding information about unprotected sex between us.

We are monogamous, and wouldn't receive any other infections from outside the relationship. The only information I can find is, "you can become infected with a more resistant type of HIV."

Chances are that I got HIV from my partner, so this would not be the case, right? Also, if he wasn't the one who infected me (we tried to be very safe) would it hurt either of us if we did have unprotected sex? I am looking for, "it would be fine," but of course I am very comfortable with protected sex, just might be nice to be able to not worry about that anymore, since we both already HIV+.

Dear No Thank You,

I am 36 years old and have been HIV+ for 12 years. I take good care of myself and have never had any illness related to HIV. My problem is my friends keep telling people my status and saying how proud they are of me for taking control of this disease.

I don't want them disclosing my status to other people. I feel it is something that I should do if I choose. I have asked them not to discuss my status with anyone, but they still do it.

I know that they aren't doing it to be rude, but it is beginning to really get to me. I have people that I don't know coming up to me asking for advice on how I stay healthy and wanting me to help them.

I have always had the attitude that HIV was not the focus of my life. It is just an unwanted guest that won't leave however my friends seem to want to make me an HIV poster guy. I really don't want to be that. Is there anything I can do or am I just going to have to deal with things the way they are? I am just a normal guy trying to live as normal a life as possible.

Dear "Tell" Don't Ask,

Thank you for the letter from, and your response to, the gentleman who was HIV negative and having "guilty" dreams about being that way. I'm 41 and have been out for 20 years. I've been active in AIDS volunteer work since 1986 when I lost my dearest friend to pneumonia (the first, it was hard). I have had enough therapy to feel good about who I am and my place on the planet.

I read anything I can get my hands on regarding treatments, research, etc., and keep up on politics. I felt confident I had a handle on things. Though I've made 'safer sex' the rule, there have been times I've walked the line between. I've always regretted it and stressed about it until I got tested.

When I read that gentleman's letter about his guilty feelings about being healthy, something slammed home in my head real hard. I didn't realize how guilty I feel about being 'healthy'. I didn't behave any differently than my friends in those early years, yet they got sick and died, and I didn't.

I am aware it was simply luck and not morals or goodness. But more importantly than relating to the guilty feelings of this man, I was taken by your response. I have heard some HIV positive men justify their "unsafe" behavior by saying that everyone knows the risks and it's up to them to take care of themselves. As in "every man for himself".

That you encourage HIV negative persons to stay that way, and to protect themselves so that ALL OF US can work toward creating a healthier and more tolerant society is what moved me to write. It seemed to me so whiny to complain about being healthy, but you gave me a place to put those feelings I didn't know what to do with. Thank you for helping me back into the place where I can not only be helpful, but feel that way, too.

Dear Feel Free,

The first step to being helpful is feeling like you can make a difference. If the column had a hand in making you feel that way, then you can "put your feelings" here anytime.

However, I do believe that when it comes to safe-sex, we have to take care of ourselves. That doesn't mean that anyone, positive or negative has a right to justify "unsafe" behavior, just that ultimately your health is up to you.

You decide what's comfortable and safe, and stick with it. We are all in this together so your health is as important to me as my own, so stay negative. Thanks, by the way, for making me feel helpful too.

I've been Poz for over 15 years and doing better now then when I was diagnosed. I get scared just thinking that there will be a time when there will be no more new drugs to take and I'll just go down hill. Besides drugs, what do you think would be the best thing you could do to keep up your good health?

Dear Still Alive,

II scare myself like that too. When I do, I stop and take a breath. Having survived PCP, I am grateful for every one. This little pause gives me clarity of mind and a chance to count my blessings, like the fact that 15 years later you and I can have this exchange. Then I turn to my belief in the power of love, and the good in people. I look on the bright side. I think about my family and friends. Then I think about the love and support over the years that came from places I never knew existed. Those things remembered I am ready for most anything. Choose a positive perspective. The key to beating any of life's difficulties is to face them with a hopeful, loving, optimistic outlook.