Nine months ago I met a wonderful 19-year-old man at a club. On our second date, he told me he was HIV+. I was devastated. I didn't know what to say or how to react.

He thought I was going to reject him but I didn't. Instead, I ran more towards him. He was so happy I didn't care about his status. Despite negative comments from both our friends, we decided to give it a try and after a couple months, he moved in with me.

At first sex scared me, but soon I started loving the person and forgot the status. We never had unprotected sex. I got tested about three months ago, and I was negative.

Two weeks ago he broke up with me. Because of his status, I thought I was the one who would break up with him. I'm a 25 year old man and it's sooooo painful for me to let go of someone that I love despite his illness. (Sorry if that's offensive) I'm afraid to get tested.

And what's worse, I don't have my partner to support me. We agreed to be friends but I CANNOT see him as a friend for now. He didn't care about me when he called it quits, and now he doesn't seem to care about himself either. He's currently using drugs as a way out of this painful breakup. What do I do? .

Dear Positively Confused,

As a positive person, I must admit to being a tiny bit offended by your assumption that the negative partner in a sero-discordant relationship is the only one with the option to leave.

I think you should take some time to examine why this person's status didn't matter when you fell in love, but now seems to be of the utmost importance. Maybe it's because it did matter when you fell in love after all. Maybe just maybe you are a tiny bit insecure within relationships and his status gave you a false sense of control.

My advice to you is to NOT see your ex. From what you say, he's having his own problems that he needs to deal with for himself. Look to your good friends for the support and love you'll need to get through the testing process, and then turn your attention inward.

Take a long hard look at what's behind your feelings of anger over being left by a positive person, and about what attracted you to this relationship in the first place. If a relationship is based on love, then it will survive anything. Here's hoping that after a period of introspection and self-acceptance your next relationship will be built on such unshakable ground.

I'm currently enjoying the sixth month of good health after a rocky year of med. switches. I look and feel better than ever but the side effects, which can nag you like the worst of mother in laws, are driving me nuts.

First off, I can't get enough sleep. I sleep fourteen hours a day and I'm still tired. Secondly, the hours that I am awake are ruled by my intestines. I'm so sick of hearing myself talk about my sleep and stomach disturbances. I'm a positive and productive person normally, and those healthy waking hours have become very important to me. The frustration of not being able to make the best use of them is literally driving me crazy. What's worse, there's no relief in sight. How can I go on like this? Is this really living?

Dear Alive and Well,

"Either everything is a miracle, or nothing is." Albert Einstein

Many of us are dealing with physical complications that we perceive to impede the enjoyment of our lives. But just as you accepted the fact that you're positive, you'll come to accept the fact that for now, you're going to have to find a way to enjoy your life with the side effects.

This doesn't mean caving in to them. But it may mean redefining what you consider to be a quality life. Just a few short years ago, the prospect of living longer, even with troubling side-effects, would have seemed like an impossible dream. Try to remember that every hour given to us, in any way shape or form, is a miracle.

Since you've considered my inspirational gripes worth printing in the past, I decided to give you a shout with my latest AIDS conundrum.

Here's the deal. Just when I'm thisclose to re-entering the workplace, or hell, I should say re-entering my life, I got the results from my blood work back. The good news is, my viral load is still undetectable and my T-cells are holding steady. The bad news is, apparently my blood is so sticky and fat laden from my protease inhibitors that 1 pint my blood = 1 pint Haagen Dazs…oh, and the gut…that's not from enjoying the afore-mentioned ice cream nightly, but rather a protease inhibitor induced redistribution of fat cells.

I now have to take five more pills a day on top of the 26 I took before, so while my t-cells are growing, so is my fatigue level.. Don't get me wrong, I refuse to air on the side of the bad news, and at least even with the worst of the bad news I now have the option of envisioning a future. But learning to dream again after having had so many dreams vanish can be a real trick.

When I was a kid, my parents had a room that they didn't have the funds to furnish. It was just a room with wall to wall green carpeting, a picture window on either end, and a high white ceiling. When we asked my mom what the room was for, she fumbled for a moment and then blurted out, " uh, it's the thinking room. You go there to think."

I bought it hook, line, and sinker. There, I would lie on my back, hands behind my head, with my knees bent, dreaming my dreams about the life that lay ahead of me. Back then, I was going to be a dentist or a magician, or a movie star.

Now at 35, I find myself, once again on the thinking room floor, staring at the ceiling, thinking over my past, trying to make sense of it all, drifting out the picture window, and once again dreaming of a future.

As any of us with AIDS knows, stopping to think can be scary, but in thinking about the dreams that have been lost, I find myself beginning to appreciate all that I've unexpectedly gained.

While I'm no Leonardo DiCaprio, nor will I ever be a dentist, I am something of a magician, and I do have one trick up my sleeve. I've learned that dreams do come true when I base them, not on expectations, but on a foundation of love. That's why I'll call this little peek at the instructions that came with my latest magic kit…

Love Expectancy

I never thought I would get AIDS. I never expected to look at a picture of myself and wonder when I may die. I never imagined I'd need disability at 35. I never expected to see my 35th birthday.

I never thought that I would have to warn people before sex. I never imagined that people could be so ignorant. I never scared anybody before. I never expected that telling the truth could be so hard.

I never dreamed I would have to consider Depends. I never thought, even when I had to sign up for the draft, that I would have to survive anything like war. I never expected my Mom to get Breast Cancer. It never occurred to me that anything could be worse.

I never expected some to turn their backs. I never expected others to be so strong. I never expected that love could come from anywhere.

I've never been so honest. I've never felt such hope. I've never known such compassion. I've never trusted, so completely, in the power of love.

And I never thought I'd dream again.

Whenever I'd perform a really good trick, my brother and sister would ask me, "how'd you do that?" I never used to tell them because a magician isn't supposed to reveal his secrets, but I personally couldn't help giving this one away.

By combining the sleight of hand of new drug therapies, and the real magic of love, we can find a way to let go of the dreams we did expect and embrace the dreams we didn't. …

Dear Mikey,

Even if it's just a quiet corner in our minds, we all should have a thinking room. Thank you for the magic of your continued presence in our lives. Keep loving, keep dreaming, and keep writing.