I tested HIV Positive in '95, but had some indication, since around '86, that I may be. At that crisis time and with the shock of all my friends passing away, I shut down and stopped dating- with the notion that if I were exposed to the virus further, it would compromise my health.

I have never suffered from any opportunistic illnesses. In the warped mind of the paranoid, I attribute my good health (t-cells in the 600's, viral load undetectable for the last 3 years), to my celibate lifestyle.

My thinking has been that I was exposed to a weaker strain that has not developed to full blown AIDS, and that any intimate contact with someone can have the potential of introducing another strain of the virus--stronger, possibly deadlier. At the ripe old age of 45, should I just be content with memories of past loves and grateful for my health?

Dear Sexually Scared,

Congratulations on being a long-term survivor. Many of us long-term survivors struggle with the way things are, and the way things used to be. Sex in a world with HIV, is very different. You may very well be right about your theory of re-infection.

The fear of introducing yet another strain of HIV, or any other sexually transmitted disease, for that matter, is a very real one. There is, however, absolutely no reason why you can't enjoy intimacy and good health all at once. Yes, it's 1999, and sexual habits have had to change, but intimacy remains the same.

My opinion is that your problem lies within your definition of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as something of a personal or private nature, a familiarity. It is not the dangerous exchange of bodily fluids.

While a sexual act is among one of the most intimate, I can say from experience that even the most stringent of "safe-sexers" are capable of intimacy. If you had happily chosen celibacy then I would be the first to applaud your decision.

Words like "shut-down" and "paranoia" lead me to believe otherwise. I think you want to have sex again. My advice is to make use of your good health, and the strength and determination you've used to remain celibate, to redefine intimacy and discover a new safe, sexual self.

Don't swap bodily fluids. Do be experimental; massage, masturbate, touch, watch, listen, be watched, smell, cuddle. Always be content with memories of past loves and grateful for your health but, please, don't give up sex or intimacy, at any age, because of fear or paranoia.

Thanks for your compassionate advice regarding dating and finding love when you're HIV+. I decided to write you with a different perspective that might also offer encouragement to Poz people.

As an HIV negative gay man, I was recently involved in a serious relationship with an HIV positive guy. Although we are no longer together (because of reasons other than our HIV status), I loved, and still love him deeply and learned a lot about myself in that relationship.

I realize that a lot of HIV- guys get scared and run when they learn of a potential partner's positive status, but there are also a lot of us out there that are looking a little deeper and not willing to run from what may be a wonderful, rewarding relationship. I often believe that HIV+ men are just as guilty of running away.

My lover and I were always honest with each other and we were always safe. I would not allow his positive status to overcome my interest in him and our love. Sure, there are issues you have to address and precautions you will have to take, but life is way too short to limit yourself to any people, relationships, opportunities, or love.

Dear Limitless Compassion,

I just love your letter and your insight. It is so nice to have an HIV negative person put a positive spin on things. Any relationship, poz/neg or otherwise, should be a loving, learning experience. It sounds as if that is just what you are talking about.

I, like you, believe that loving exchanges can come from anywhere and why limit love? Limitations, based on ignorance and fear, can close the door on many wonderful experiences. I also agree with you that it goes both ways.

Sometimes, us poz folk are all too quick to point an accusatory finger at those who won't date us, and then turn around and discriminate in the very same way by dating only positive guys. I understand, but I do not condone this.

We all stand to learn a great deal about each other and it's time we put our biases aside and communicate, human to human, not status to status. Let's collectively address our fears, take the precautions and leave ourselves open to love.