I am a gay man, HIV+, who lives in a very conservative area in the south. For many reasons I would like to marry a woman, but would not like to hurt her.

Therefore, I absolutely need her to know every single detail about me… Maybe I should date a lesbian. I am an independent person and financially stable. This is one of the reasons I cannot move from here. Besides, I love my work.

I live close to a University area that has a certain diversity, but really need a marriage to survive the atmosphere. I am a pleasant person, and very friendly, always ready to listen to others. I wish I could meet a female friend whom I could trust who could help me to get rid of this social ordeal, at least for a couple of years. What do you suggest?

Dear Deceit Can Be Dangerous,

First off, I suggest you sit down and think about your situation a little more creatively. All of your fears of coming out aside, you appear somewhat inflexible about the options available to you. Life is rarely black and white, there are usually many colors to consider. In other words, I have a hard time believing that your options for surviving your "atmosphere" are limited to a marriage based on deceit or a major move.

In this column, I have always aired on the side of openness and honesty. But disclosure is a personal thing, and particularly in light of recent events, I understand that coming out can be a frightening step to take. I also can't in good faith advocate deception, however. I don't know what the particulars of your situation are, so I can't really offer you a detailed map of the road out of your current dilemma, but I can tell you that in my experience, the path of least resistance very often turns out to be the long way home.

Regarding "Hand in Hand", I too have a similar problem with my lover. He is 60 and I am 49. His declining interest in sex has me very frustrated. His equipment works well, the doc says its mental/emotional. When I explain my frustrations, my lover just says he's not interested in sex.

I like sex and not having it is presenting a real problem to our 18.5 year relationship. I too have taken matters in hand, and watched lots of porn movies, read stories, but I'm tired of one -person sex. We are having some couples counseling now with a gay counselor, but my lover says that he is not going to continue. Doesn't think it's worth the money. So I'm stuck again. The only thing left for me to do, is have outside sex or leave the relationship. Either of those choices are very difficult for me to do. Any suggestions?

Dear Cleared for Landing,

Even long-term relationships are lived day by day, and every partnership is an ongoing investment. From what you say in your letter, it sounds as if your partner has made a decision to stop contributing and live off the interest. I also gather from the tone of your letter that you're beginning to run dangerously low on personal resources.

My advice is to make one more attempt to communicate your needs to your lover. Be as honest with him as you have been with me- - explain to him how you feel about his unwillingness to participate in the relationship sexually and emotionally. If your lover remains unwilling to work with you, then he's leaving you with very few options.

While a loving, long term relationship is a worthy investment, choosing to remain in a situation with someone who is unwilling to consider your emotional needs can leave you unavailable for a mutually fulfilling partnership with someone who is willing to be more receptive and giving. I know that you have some difficult decisions to make.

Sometimes the most positive steps are the hardest ones to take. Rest assured, though, that when you find the courage to act on your own behalf, and travel your path with love and honesty, then no matter how bumpy the flight, you'll always get home safely. I wish you clear skies and a smooth landing.

I just read the letter in your September column written by a person who stated that he was having a terrible time with fatigue and intestinal problems due to his medications. Although your advice to learn to live with the side effects is definitely something which everyone has to do, I feel that there may be more to this person's fatigue.

Unfortunately many doctors take the "learn-to- live-with-the-side-effects" approach instead of fully investigating the options and causes. Tired and Fatigued needs to take a proactive role in his healthcare and demand that every option be explored before the "learn to live with it" approach is taken. We now know that some of the causes of fatigue can be attributed to low level testosterone or mild anemia, both of which can be treated medically. Although many of the side effects definitely are a "learn to live with" condition, many more can be overcome. Thank you for your time and take care.

Dear Thanks for the Helping Hand,

If I left you with the impression that people should learn to live with side effects before exploring medical solutions then I stand corrected. I certainly never meant to suggest that any stone remain unturned.

As a person empowered by AIDS, I'm used to exercising all of my medical options and occasionally assume that others do as well, so thank you for caring enough to emphasize the importance of a proactive approach.

All I meant to say in my letter to Tired and Fatigued is that even under the most proactive of circumstances, our lives are going to be different, and we, as people with AIDS need to be open to those changes. Thank you for helping us on our road to empowerment. Here's hoping your helpful tips make many a life more comfortable.

October 11th was National Coming Out Day. A few days later Matthew Shepard died. A part of me died that day. I live in New York City and in the weeks before Matthew's death the papers were full of reports of anti-gay attacks. Every day I feel less safe.

Walking hand in hand with a loved one seems a dangerous dream. Now add being HIV positive. I see the hate directed toward Matthew, and question being open about my sexual status, let alone my HIV status. Since finding out I was positive, I have always disclosed, convinced that knowledge would pave the way to a more understanding world. Now I myself don't understand. You are constantly advising people to be out and proud, to teach by example, is that still good advice?

Dear Don't Be Afraid,

I'd like to think that the world wasn't full of hate but what happened to Matthew Shepard gives all of us pause. It is frightening that a simple expression of love can be met with such violence. My advice has always been, do what's comfortable for you.

For me the choice is clear. We can live with fear, or we can face our fear and live with faith. I wanted to share the following letter with you from someone who has chosen to face his fears and renew his commitment to be truthful and loving to himself and others.

I have enjoyed your column. I too am a believer that love, courage, and honesty are the biggest weapons I have to fight this disease. After the senseless killing of Matthew Shepard in Wyoming, I am finding the strength to get back out there and try to be a more loving example to my community. Love and acceptance will be the key to understanding. We cannot let ignorance get in our way! Thanks again. Bless you.

Dear Readers,

When asked about his views on meanness and injustice, Ryan White had the following words to share:

"It was difficult, at times, to handle; but I tried to ignore the injustice, because I knew the people were wrong. My family and I held no hatred for those people because we realize they were victims of their own ignorance. We had great faith that, with patience, understanding, and education, that my family and I could be helpful in changing their minds and attitudes around"

We all stand to learn a lot from both Matthew Shepard and Ryan White, who had the courage to be open and honest despite an intolerant world. Both of these young men will live on as a reminder to us all that love can conquer hatred, and understanding triumph over ignorance.