I am 28 and have been HIV+ for 5 years. I'm healthy, work out 3 times a week, eat right, and take a truck load of medicine, at least that's how it feels sometimes, and my viral load is nearly undetectable. A month ago, I met this guy in another city and have been seeing him ever since,... lots of air and car miles.... But he's worth it.

It all happened so quickly that I didn't prepare myself for what I am dealing with right now. When we first met we really never discussed status. A week or so into dating, coincidentally, because of some symptoms, he tested for HIV.

I work for a hospital and through my career and personal experience, I helped him to understand a little about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. He never questioned my knowledge. I was of comfort to him while he waited for his results. I assured him that I would be there for him in any situation, hoping that when the time came for me to disclose, he would be there for me.

His test results came back negative for everything. I was elated! Now all of this has made telling him about me even more difficult. I wanted to tell him right from the beginning but I feared being rejected by him because of my status. I feel that if guys would get to know the great person I am, then they would see past my status.

This is when the double edge sword comes into play. I tell them from the beginning and they choose not to get to know me; or they get to know me, I get close to them, and then fear rejection later. Either way, I find it hard to tell someone. I have been lucky in the past that those that I have dated have not reacted negatively, but I am afraid that my luck may have run out.

I have this hanging over my head and wonder if he would still feel the same if he knew. I want to tell him, but I want him to understand why I found it hard to tell him from the beginning. He and I have been sexually active, we do practice safe sex. I would never do anything that would put him at risk. How can I begin the conversation with him that should have happened a long time ago?

Dear Don't let things get Out-of-Hand,

Status disclosure is one of the toughest aspects of being HIV positive. Only you can decide when, why and to whom you disclose. The conversation you want to start is no less frightening on the first date than on the 33rd so long as you allow your fear of rejection to take over. Facing that fear is the answer. Personally, I would rather a person walk away and have to think about things, than invest my time in someone who is not willing to make an effort to understand.

People's reactions have made me realize that rejection is not personal, in fact, more often than not it's just their reaction to their own fears.

When you are ready, begin by telling him how important he is to you, and how difficult it is for you to have this conversation. Then take a deep breath, disclose and give him some time with it. The honesty will feel amazing. If he is "worth it", you'll know, and you can continue to rack up the frequent flyer miles.

My lover and I read your column often. The recent letter about discordant couples caught our attention. He has been HIV positive for about 17 of or our 20 years together. In those early days we always thought and planned that one day he'd become ill and I'd be the care-giver.

Guess what --He's nursed me through a heart attack, 2 bowel resections, a stroke, and most recently quad by-pass surgery. When we found out he was POZ he said if I wanted to leave him, he'd understand. I told him I was in love with him and for better / worse / sickness / health I'd be with him. WOW - did I make a wise choice. If you allow yourself to fall in love, you never know what time will bring - Love WILL succeed if the couple works at it one day at a time.

Dear Marc and Steve,

Congratulations on your ability to love faithfully and unconditionally. Thanks for reminding us that love is a force capable of much more than most people realize. I wish you both happiness and continued health, but I think you wished that on yourselves, just by loving.

I have been an avid reader of your column since my diagnosis, and have gathered a lot of help and useful information from it. I've finally decided to write you about the problem I am having at home. For starters, I have only known about my status since May of this year.

My lover and I have been together for almost 6 years. Since my diagnosis, our sex life has by far not been the same. First of all, I'm poz and he's neg. We are somewhat having sex, but there are just things that are missing. He doesn't have a problem with me doing oral on him or topping me, but he refuses to perform oral on me or let me top him anymore.

I know he is scared, but it is really causing me a lot of emotional distress. We were still having a very active sex life all the way up till I was tested with no problems or fear, but since I got tested he's totally freaked. I don't know what to do. I feel so insecure about things now because that closeness we once shared intimately is gone.

Will he eventually come around and be more relaxed about the situation? Or am I doomed to know that I will never get to make love to the man I love again? I would appreciate any advice or insight you could give me on this situation.

Dear Positively Intimate,

After just six months your positive status is fairly new to both of you. If you love this man so much, give him time to adjust. I personally don't think his change of sexual habits is because he doesn't love you anymore.

Fear is powerful. Put yourself in his shoes; think about the sexual activities that would give you pause if the situation were reversed. I can't promise he'll ever come around but I can say pressuring him won't help him relax. Your lover has to redefine what he considers safe sex. It may be "low risk" and he could very well opt for "no risk".

Does this mean a change in your sex life? Yes. Is it the end of intimacy? Absolutely not! Change is difficult for everyone, but "love", not "sex" leads to real intimacy.

Listen, my boyfriend and I just recently went to go get tested. Although he had been tested a few months before and came up negative, it was still a possibility that he might come up positive. When we went to go get the test results he did in fact come up positive. I, on the other hand, came up negative. I told him that I was not going to leave him over this and that I was going to be there when he needed me and even when he didn't. I still am.

The thing is.... I don't really know how. I've never had to deal with this so close. You know "it always happens to other people, never to the people close to you". I'm still young, 20, and there are still a lot of things that I have to figure out for myself.

But one thing that I do know is that I want to be there for him whenever and however I can. I just don't know how. I know that there are never any simple answers but I was wondering if you could give me some sort of idea on what I should do, to be there for him. I really care about him a lot.

Dear Willing to Listen,

I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend and I know, from experience, the weeks to come will be a struggle. It is difficult to face a positive diagnosis whether you are 20 or 60 and it is a big adjustment. You both need time to adapt. My advice is actually very simple... listen.

Listen to him and begin educating yourself. In doing so, you can be prepared with support groups and other resources in your area that he may be too upset to look into right away. The knowledge will also help to put your own mind at ease. This will allow both of you the time you need to cope, in your own ways, with his diagnosis.

Don't try to think like him, and don't force action on him that you may take in the same situation. Don't pity him. Don't baby him. Just have that information handy when he is ready to take those steps. Do continue to love him unconditionally. Do hug him. And always lend him an objective ear. You are lucky to have each other and I wish you the very best.