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Coping When a Relationship Ends Moving On: The Gay Man's Guide for Coping When a Relationship Ends by Dann Hazel; Kensington Books; 289 pages; $12.00.
Dann Hazel is a writer out of South Carolina. He has written magazine articles, a syndicated
column, short stories and a novel, Two Paths to Now.
Hazel wrote Moving On: The Gay Man's Guide for Coping When a Relationship Ends to help himself cope when his long-term relationship ended: "I needed something to help me break up without losing my sanity", Hazel explained on his Web site "I began jotting down observations about my own experiences. My musing accelerated the therapeutic process - including my ability to appreciate what Josh [his new lover] and I were gradually building. "Before long, I saw the beginnings of a book emerge - though I knew that my experiences alone would hardly resonate with every gay man who suffered a break-up. I searched for others who had survived the end of long-term relationships. I found more than fifty in just a week. After talking with them, I realized that, at least in a small way, together we might help others to regain some equilibrium after thinking they would never again find happiness." Conventional wisdom has it that gay men do not have lasting relationships; and that we end them for apparently trivial reasons. In fact, the rate of gay "divorces" are no greater than the rate of separation among unmarried heterosexual couples; and most of us try our best to keep together what has been irretrievably broken.
Moving On takes the reader, from chapter to chapter, through the break-up process, and from heartbreak to resolution. Most of the information comes not from published "experts" - there is no bibliography - but from Hazel's own experiences and those of the men he interviewed, particularly Rick Buergerner of Myrtle Beach (his story would make a good book on its own). Hazel even interviewed his "ex", Robert, with whom he remains friends. Each chapter is followed by "clarification exercises"; "self-scoring activities [that] are designed to show you where you were emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually when your former relationship soured, where you are now in the process of coping, and how far you have yet to go on your journey toward healing." Though I am not too crazy about these "exercises", I recognize the therapeutic value they would provide to those who are going through the separation process. They are certainly cheaper than a shrink. Moving On achieved its initial purpose: it helped Dann Hazel recover from the pain of his own break-up. He is now in a happy relationship with Josh, has a flourishing career, and is still friends with Robert. Though Moving On can't guarantee everyone a happy ending, it should make the process so much easier to endure. Finding the Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide for Tapping Into Your Own Source of Love, Happiness and Respect, by Brad Gooch; Simon & Schuster; 171 pages; $21.00.
Brad Gooch's contribution to the ever-growing
library of gay self-help books addresses the issue of loneliness - an
inevitable consequence of any break-up. Gooch's solution to the lack of a
boyfriend without is the Boyfriend Within, "qualities we find attractive in
ourselves but often imagine others to possess more fully, as well as of
dormant qualities we wish to nurture and grow. ... The Boyfriend Withinisn't some high concept, after all. He's part of yourself."
That's easy for him to say! Gooch is handsome and he knows it; he has a beautiful apartment and a successful writing career. He and his Boyfriend are very pleased with themselves, which goes with the territory but does not make for inspirational reading. Narcissism aside, Gooch is right to note the importance of self-love, both for its own sake and for how it helps us relate with others. A series of awareness exercises (again?) should help the reader get in touch with his inner Boyfriend. |
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