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By Jack Nichols
A 19-year old bisexually-inclined woman, Maria, with whom I've been corresponding sent me the following e-mail. Names and locations have been changed, protecting identities.
Maria's Request for Advice: “I really like your GayToday article you linked titled Must Love and Romance End in Marriage? gaytoday.badpuppy.com/garchive/viewpoint/041497vi.htm I think it's really cool how your lover introduced you to all these new ideas and stuff. I totally agree with (as far as I can remember) everything that was said in that article. However there is a problem with it for me, as there would be, I think, for most humans. I'm not confident enough. “Almost everyone is insecure and fails to be entirely emotionally healthy. In the face of that, people cannot help but be jealous. But I still believe it is something to be overcome. As much as I can't help feeling extremely jealous sometimes, I really hate to feel that way. And I hate to feel the effects of someone else's jealousy over me. I think it takes a really unique sort of person to be able to withstand those feelings. “Sometimes if a person is jealous of me it makes me feel happy and secure, but I suppose that all comes back to insecurity as well. The reason I say that is, if I feel more secure because my boyfriend is jealous of me liking other people, for example, then it makes me feel that he will not like other people. And that is more secure for me because if he did like other people it would make me jealous, and I hate that feeling. “Now, to let you know why I asked for your advice in the first place... “Last year, my friend Jean, at school and I began to talk a lot more than we ever had before. We started e-mailing each other and eventually got to the point where she told me she had just decided (and I say "decided" because she is now back with her ex-boyfriend, a male) that she was gay. “We had talked before about how we were bisexual, and about how most people in the world are bisexual, because the categories don't really matter, etc. etc. I told her that I had been wondering if I was gay as well, rather than bi. Then she tells me that she's had a huge crush on me for several months or something.... and I told her that I had found her interesting and had been a little attracted to her ever since I noticed her at school. “And it all developed from there. “She wrote 'I love you' in French to me in her emails (I was taking a French class at the time, and I really like it). We wrote all these lovey emails to each other, and got together to go to the movies sometimes, stuff like that.
“I can totally understand why he was so upset and I don't blame him. But at the same time it's not as if I'm sorry for being so interested in someone else. I don't feel or believe that it was wrong of me. Anyway my point is, that kind of jealousy which could ideally be avoided is very destructive. That incident has changed a lot in my life. “Kevin is still not over it, he still doesn't trust me (which was his main problem with the situation, he lost his trust in me). He is not the same person. He doesn't support me the way he used to, and he says he thinks I am a different person too. I don't know--what was that trust based on? Was it based entirely on my 'fidelity' to him? Is that even the point? I don't believe so. As I think you pointed out, in so-called “normal” society, people, unfortunately, measure their relationships based on the degree of sexual fidelity they can count on. IT IS SO ABSURD! “They accept mental infidelity (thoughts of sex with other people, etc.) but not 'actual' infidelity. And what is a friend, anyway? Are people jealous of emotional alliances as well? Some are. Sex is less to a person than friendship is. Damn it, it's so confusing the way we react to things. Are we trained to react this way, or is it a real reaction? Sorry, perhaps I'm rambling now. “I'd enjoy hearing your reaction to all of this, if you'd like. Jack Nichols' Reply: “Dear Maria, “Your letter is classic. From an editorial standpoint, it's the start of a down-to-earth article on jealousy. The best creative work comes from such personalized awareness. “I think you pretty well are answering your own questions and bravely taking stands. It seems sad to me (and to you) that people who care for each other should break off relations because they're not given all-exclusive rights to access.
“BUT here's the good news: the future of a 19-year-old holds out many different and exotic experiences and satisfying realizations to come. In a stupidly puritanical culture we must learn that safe sexual relations are zestfully wholesome, not nasty. “Just be aware that there's an awful popular culture, one that's forever filling us through TV soaps, films, magazines, and romance novels with hurtful, unquestioned approaches to our relationships. “Very seldom do we see jealousy questioned in public forums. Many points of peer emphasis on romance do great harm rather than encouraging our most satisfying relations. “When I was 23, my very first long-term affair rightfully dissolved. Around that time I felt insecure. I was cognizant, however, of the film star, Marlene Dietrich, singing her theme song, "Falling in Love Again." I remember walking down the beach and singing that same song, with particular focus on its self-contained bridge-lyric which said: Men cluster to me like moths around a flame And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame. “I liked that confident attitude and repeated the words so that they'd have some effect on my confidence. Dietrich always looked so independent-- as if she knew where she stood, like she wouldn't--on stage-- back inadvertently into an electric fan. Most people in that 1961 day lacked this kind of sensual self-containment. “But from Dietrich's center-mind she seemed to be able to relate to outwardly to others, self-confident and self-aware. These were some of the qualities that my great love, who came along a bit later, showed me too. He practiced hatha yoga daily and was very much at home in his body. “Most people are insecure, true, and the old culture encourages them to be. “Taking care of one's own body--one's self first is the antidote. Physical balance helps provide emotional confidence. “And I'm not sure its always necessary to choose between two lover-friends. Why not see if they're willing--for a time, at least, to share you--or even to draw close as a trio if that's what you'd like. One of the most common heterosexual male fantasies involves being with two women who themselves are attracted to each other. “If sex isn't pushy and if there are no demanding sexual expectations/ roles that are thought obligatory by one or all-- the result can be happy-go-lucky fun and youthful companionships with pizzaz. Such would supercede too much dreary-jealous seriousness and would leave happy memories in their wake. “I'd hope for a Jean or a Kevin willing to travel the map of consciousness--to learn WITH YOU--to go with you-- through a mutually explored adventuresome bent that leads to the kind of self-containment that focuses on making "the other" feel secure and happy while each commits to exercise, to making bodies sing with healthiness. I'd recommend absorbing Walt Whitman's poems too, particularly Song of Myself and Song of the Open Road both of which can be found in his Leaves of Grass “The next time you're made happy by someone else's jealousy--think it over. Far too many marriages are between people who are somewhat equally insecure. But how many relationships encourage their members to grow inner-confidence and enjoy outer pleasures leading to the never-finished building of the Self? “Hope this helps a little. “Your friend, Jack ” Maria Replies: “Dear Jack: “Thanks so much for your response, and it's no problem at all that it took some time. It was worth the wait ;) “Thanks for being supportive and discussing these things with me. “I see what you mean about everything seeming immediate and all-important at this age. I didn't consider the fact that it might be my age, but you're probably right in saying so. I just hope to be able to overcome these silly emotions sooner rather than later. I'm sure many people in the world never do get over them and are stuck with them for their whole lives. That is sad. “You wrote: 'BUT here's the good news: the future of a 19-year-old holds out many different and exotic experiences and satisfying realizations to come.' ” “I am sure of this. Actually, it's quite possible I am about to have a new type of exotic experience this week... I will let you know what I mean soon, depending on how things turn out. I am very excited about it :) “In response to the Dietrich quote, I'd say that while it is a good attitude to have at times, I cannot help but feel bad or guilty when I hurt another person, especially someone whom I have cared about very much. It seems kind of selfish to me, although I entirely agree that nobody should stay together out of pity or any other negative urge, that would be ridiculous and very unhealthy. “As you said, one should strive toward physical and emotional balance and that it very important. “Do you know of Maslow's Hierarchy? (Where people must meet their base needs first, and then evolve from there.) If not I will explain what I know of it in more detail. Anyway, my point is, that I think many people do not end up ever evolving past the 'emotional needs' plane of existence. As you pointed out, many marriages (I'd actually say that a great majority of them) are based partially on the fact that two people are equally insecure and dependent on each other, so they stay together. “Hope to hear from you soon, “Maria oooxxx” |
GayToday Senior Editor Jack Nichols 
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