By Thony Peregrin

An essay by Daniel Harris in the latest issue of The Antioch Review describes the history of the gay personals. In 1946, he writes, there was a publication called The Hobby Directory whose sole purpose was to provide a forum where men could find other men interested in similar hobbies or pastimes. The journal consisted solely of personal ads which, in fact, "really amounted to little more than a bizarre dating service." Of course, the ads were written in a sort of code so as to not arouse suspicion. According to Harris, men would express a desire to meet other "bachelors" or "single hobbyists" especially "service men", "ex-marines and sea-going swabbies" "who could appreciate the exquisite handicrafts of nimble-fingered artisans who professed an all-consuming interest in the manly arts of crocheting, needlework, ballet and nude sunbathing." An advertiser is also quoted as desiring to meet "cowboys, sheepherders, miners and lumberjacks…who wear Levi's, cords and leather jackets, with pep in their step and a sparkle in their eyes." The Hobby Directory was sold quite openly in various craft stores as well as other newspaper and magazine stores. Mr. Harris's amazing essay proceeds to examine the transformations of the gay written personal ad through the '50s, 60s 70s and 80s and shows how the personals ads reflect the social dynamics of gay communities during each decade. In the 90s the Internet has all but taken the place of the written personal ad. On-line, you are instantaneously connected with any kind of gay man you might want to find--there is no waiting period while the ad is processed and published, no checking your voice mail 5 times a day. You are "there" immediately, with other gay men as if you were at a bar or a party. And what's more, you can BE any kind of gay man you want to be. In fact you can be several people at once. You can change your screen name or have multiple screen names. You can be muscular or tall or young or wealthy. And yet with all of these "advantages" and options, with all of this hi-tech advancement, gay men remain remarkably similar to their brothers from the 1940s. We still describe our appearances, and the appearances of those we're looking for, in the same terms. We, too, want "lumberjacks" and "ex-marines" and men in "leather". The Internet allows for total anonymity, and wherever anonymity abounds, lies are sure to flourish. On-line, it seems everyone lies about his or her age. Everyone "works out", has a "swimmer's build" and is either a corporate executive or a fire fighter. Well, maybe not everyone lies to that extent, but at the very least personalities are quickly contrived to give the illusion that one is someone that one is not, but wishes one could be. We all know this and we all accept this as part of the game, a game that is often as exciting as it is humorous. The problem is, many gay men already have identity issues being members of a subculture still largely scorned by the mass public. We're constantly trying to figure out how we "fit in" with the general population, how our ideas of marriage and raising children and having a career can be squared within the parameters established by straight society—or if we even want to "fit in" at all. To put this another way, a great many gay men have spent significant parts of their lives trying to figure out "what it means" to be gay. To actively fabricate an on-line identity, which can be admittedly very entertaining, is ultimately destructive to gay communities struggling to establish truth-telling and a sense of unity within the subculture. According to Harris' essay, it seems gay men have always lied or exaggerated the truth in their personals ads. In 1951, F.W. Ewing (the publisher of The Hobby Directory) is said to have chided those members who "do not give their correct ages, but shave off years and even decades, thus misleading other hobbyists who had hoped to share only with men of their own generation such good American pastimes as collecting.... photos of young men in service uniforms." For decades, we have been lying to ourselves and to each other about who we really "are." Perhaps, this kind of deception can be seen as understandable in the '40s when gay men were forced to hide their identities. They didn't enjoy a wide-range of social outlets in which they could meet each other. These ads were their one chance to connect with someone, anyone gay, so of course they were prone to exaggeration. Wouldn't you be? The question is: are these lies and exaggerations still acceptable and excusable today? I remember an experiment my 5th grade class did one breezy spring morning. We were told to write a letter all about ourselves, place it in an envelope and attach it to a string that hung from a helium filled balloon. We marched out to the playground and when the teacher clapped her hands we released the balloons into the air. For a few brief moments, the sky was a rainbow of colors, and as I stood there, I wondered who would find my balloon and if they would write me back. I wondered where they lived, what they looked like and if they would like my letter. I couldn't wait to find a new friend. Being a painfully shy boy who read too much and was horrified by gym class, I didn't have many friends. That balloon was very important to me and I spent a lot of time making my letter sound just right. All of this happened, of course, before I knew that I was gay and before I learned how to lie really well.